Stepping back on the rollercoaster....

Bit more history for you here.............

After having DD we had one Frostie left in the freezer at the fertility clinic. This is industry lingo for frozen embryo. The odds areent great with just one but we felt that we must give it a try - everytime I drove anywhere near the clinic I would always think that it was DDs sis or bro "in the freezer". I had a strong urge for another child - DH wasnt bothered - he felt that we had everything we needed - nice little family.

We did the transfer early 2008 - much less hassle this time, no injections to do or egg collection etc -just a few hormones and a bit of monitoring and a bargain at approx £1000. Then the 2week wait.  Anyway it didnt work for us so that was the end of the road really.  Spending 4-5k on a fresh cycle of IVF is bad enough when you dont have a child but when you already have a little family - spending that kind of money with no guarantees is something else altogether. We love our holidays and imagine where we could go with that kind of money. But then you think - how priceless is a new baby?  Over the course of 2008/2009 I learnt to live with the fact that she would be the only one.  DH was sure he was happy to leave it, we didnt have any savings left anyway and I was not gonna rock the boat of the very comfortable life/happy marriage etc that we are lucky to have.

My maternal longing never really went away but sometimes in life you have to accept and be thankful for what you do have rather than what you dont. Especially since the crappy year of 2004 and the counselling that came with it - My way of thinking had been re-trained by the great counseller that I had - to ditch negative thoughts as quickly as they enter your head, to send loving thoughts out to those that are aggressive or that you feel resentment for and live in the now rather than fret about whats around the corner.  I know this sounds a bit fluffy and way out for most people but it works for me.   If everyone sent a few positive thoughts out to people or situations that were irritating rather than negative ones we would all be feeling happier I know. I will leave it there for fear of brainwashing you with my thoughts except for one little example that happened a couple of months back.......

I was driving home from the dentist and it was a foggy day. I was coming down the country lanes back into the village and for the last couple of miles a car was following me quite closely up my behind but I didnt give it much thought until I pulled up outside a shop in the village and this car pulls up in the road next to me with a couple in their fifties shouting at me to open my window. Eh?  So I open the window and the bloke and his wife start ranting about how I was dangerous without my fog lights on and didnt I know that a silver car in the fog is invisible, blah blah blah. They have obviously been working each other up following me ready to rave at me. Now I am no angel and like a good swear myself but never at the expense of someones feelings. The old pre-2004 me would probably have stuck my fingers up at them and said piss off you tossers before letting the situation eat me up for a few hours after driving away. The new me apologises and sends a bit of love to the angry couple (obviously just in my head - not by blowing kisses , that would just piss them off). The bloke is a bit stunned but still tells me I am a shit driver and once again I apologise but point out there really is no need to swear at me. Now you can guarantee  this 5 minute incident would have been their topic of conversation in their house for the rest of the day, you could just tell. But for me, I sent them a few  positive thoughts, let go of it and was forgotton as soon as I got in the house.
Resentment does no-one any favours in the long term.

anyway where was i?

Oh yes. October 2009 and we get some good news that DHs endowment policy from his old house bought in the eighties is worth more than we thought so decide to cash it in. That house is long gone so its bonus money really. We talk of a fab holiday for next year, getting new double glazing etc etc. One morning DH steps out of the shower and says "hey we could always use that money for a couple of goes at IVF" - it comes out of his mouth as casually as if he is asking me what I want for breakfast. Oh my God, my head is spinning with it. I thought he didnt want to, I had almost put the thought to bed. Anyway after many conversations and soul searching we do go for it and start the process again by booking an appt at the clinic, getting all the blood tests done etc.

You cant ever predict the exact timings of starting a cycle becuase it depends on where you are at with your menstrual cycle, but I have 6 weeks off work planned in Feb/March 2010 thanks to a fully paid sabbatical by my generous employers. We have already planned a once in a lifetime trip to Antigua during that 6 weeks and there is no way we are giving that up so the rough plan is to start the drugs about 3/4 days after we get back if my period comes as predicted.  That should also allow me enough time to get back to work without too much disruption.   That all goes tits up when for some reason my period comes earlier in Jan and Feb than expected which means I would have to start hormone injections 4 days before we are due to fly home. But its either that or delay it another month which we just do not want to do. So I get the drugs ordered and a letter from the clinic to clear customs with the needles and drugs and off we go. 

In hindsight it was perfect timing, we were both busy with work,  life, stressing about the IVF again, would it be a waste of money etc.  And then the 3 of us step off that plane into the caribbean and we chilled big time. It is perfect. DD loves it, the people and beaches are amazing. Me and DH get pleasantly fluffy on the all inc rum punch, I have spa treatments, we snorkel and go to deserted islands on boat trips.  By the time it was the first injection day I was virtually horizontal.  I popped back to the suite, did the jab then went to the bar and ordered a marguerita. In 2004 we were so anxious life centred around that daily injection.

The cycle went smoothly and on 23rd April a bit of me and a bit of DH were put together by by a special doctor and on the 26th April two little embryos were put back and I entered into my 5th 2week wait. Given that we had 3 goes for it to work last time and I was now 39 we werent necessarily expecting a miracle this time.  But about 9 days into the 2ww I was feeling sick, light headed and  and could smell a bin from 10 miles away.  By the time test day came around we just knew. TWO lines on the test appeared. We were so so lucky.

We had the early scan done on 1st June which showed one little heartbeat flickering away, and our 20 week scan showed we were having this much wanted little boy.

I wont believe it til I am holding him in my arms but that day is almost here now and I just cannot wait for this journey to be over and to go home safely with our new little one.

Thanks for reading x