Sue comes into my room as soon as the Doctor has left - she is smiling and happy for me. She says she can get my prescription stuff sorted out within the the hour for my from the ward stock - obviously the hospital pharmacy is closed today. She says its will be strange around here without me there....such a lovely person.
I feed Alex and then start gathering my things. I empty the bathroom and my bedside locker and put things back into my holdall - aka 'the wardrobe'. I have the door of my room open. Theres a few dads and young children visiting their mummies. A lot of them cry as they are taken home again, Christmas Eve or Christmas Day babies born so are staying on the ward. I think myself lucky that I am at least going to spend part of Christmas at home and DH doesnt have to bring DD in for yet another visit.
DH arrives at 1pm. He has the car seat with him. I feel like I might burst with excitement at the sight of that car seat. Yes I know its only a car seat but I have lost count of how many Dads I have seen turning up with car seats over the weeks I have been here. Because that means baby is going home. Most new mums only ever stay 2 or 3 days - And whilst in room 10 have heard many cheery "Thank you very much, bye !" as the new parents have walked out of the ward back into normal life. Today its our turn.
Sue comes in with my discharge papers and drugs. I am already tearful again. Alex is now in his fleecy suit and tucked up safe in his car seat and I scan the room over and over again making sure nothing has been left behind. Dh takes the big holdall to the car. I am left in the room in my outdoor clothes and Alex in the car seat. He comes back and we walk to the midwifes office. I try not to cry but its impossible. I say thank you to Sue and before I know it I am sobbing. Thank you doesn't seem enough really. Sarah is making up beds and I say goodbye to her too. A sidewards glance to room 10 as I go, home for such a long time. I actually feel a liitle nervous of leaving.
We walk back down the corridor to the exit. This exit is where I have spent so many occasions saying goodbye to visitors but particularly where I have hugged and kissed DD after our short visits and she is taken home again leaving me with a lump in my throat as I see her little face disappear around the corner. We go through the door, DH and Alex ahead of me. I can't help look back at the door as we walk away, I half expect someone to come out and tell me theres been a mistake, I can't go. But of course they don't. I am sobbing, its all too much. Up along the corridor and out into the car park, the cold air hits me. Its Christmas Day of course and deserted, our car is the only one in the car park.
I sit in the back with Alex and sit with tears pouring down my face as we drive away from the hospital. I can't talk to DH without crying and he says to calm down, but I tell him not to worry, its all good stuff, happy tears.
When we approach our village its just looks like the best thing I have ever seen. All snowy and lovely and well, its just home. DD is still at mums so we just settle in. Alex is sleeping - welcome home little boy.
The Christmas tree and chaos of presents everywhere just looks perfect to me. Even if the Christmas tree was decorated mainly by DD and its pretty messy. Looks like the best tree I have ever seen.
DH goes to collect her and she comes running in, all excited and very happy to see me. Mum and Mike come for a short time, they have followed in the car with DD's presents from their house. I sit on the sofa having a cup of tea surrounded by my family, a little spaced out but very very happy.
I walk up the stairs for the first time and look at the new bathroom......gorgeous.
Later DD has her bath and I go up and sit with her on our bed while she dries off. Our bed feels different, all soft and luxurious and well, like our bed. But after sleeping in my single hospital bed under blankets for a few weeks its bound to feel different. I get to read her a story at bed time, something I have missed so much and we look at the huge icicles hanging from her window. Have never seen icicles in the 8 years we have lived her. Its amazing what you notice when you really look at what surrounds you. This experience has taught me to value whats important and not get caught up in silly details.
Before bed I am in the kitchen and catch sight of the diary on the work top. We always have had this diary to jot down what we are going to eat for the week just to make life easier really for food shopping etc. Its open at the week it all happened. The entry for Thursday 18th November - ' Lamb chops and veggies'. The Lamb chops we never ate. The night I was admitted for my hospital stay, frozen in time, nothing written in it after that date. I smile to myself, more silly tears pouring now as I stare at the page. Thank God its now the 25th December and not the 18th November.
I am home now, safe with my husband, daughter and baby son. I survived and am here to tell the tale.
Thank you for reading, everyone.
With Love,
Helen xxxx
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